My Mom's Sage Advice

 

My mother recently put together this list of "suggestions" that might help others along their respective paths:

 

You are permitted to disagree but only if you are 85 or older but comments are welcome :-)

 

Take risks but never jump off the cliff without a plan and a safety net, a parachute or a bungee chord.
 

Keep your back to the door so you always have an out.
 

If you are an abuser you will always find your victim. If you are a victim you will always find your abuser. Please. If you are either one of these things get help. Spare the rest of us from having to see you on the five o’clock news.
 

Make a list of the ten things you want to have or do. Prioritize it. Update it every month. You will get the first three things at the top of your list if you really want them. As soon as you are sure, they will get on a train somewhere on the horizon and start coming toward you. You can’t say when they will arrive. The train will keep coming as long as you keep your nose clean, and don’t blow it.
 

You can have anything you really want as long as you don’t ask for money or to win the lottery. You may think you can’t get something if you don’t have the money to pay for it. Trust me. You can. But don’t steal or cheat to get it or the train will derail.
 

If things are really good they will get bad again. If things are really bad they will get good again. Count on it.
 

If you are trying to console a depressed person don’t offer platitudes unless you want a bop on the head. There are only two things you can safely say: “You have every reason to be depressed.” and “I have faith you can handle this.” Otherwise just ask questions or shut up and listen..
 

Every red flag you see before marriage will become multiplied by a factor of 20 after marriage.
 

If your man hits you once, leave him. If he insults you, leave him. If he tries to control you, leave him. If he looks at another woman, ignore it. The poor dear can’t help it.
 

If you suffer an unbearable loss either through death or desertion,  talk about it to everyone and anyone. Nothing they say will help you but each time you tell it you edit it in your mind, dropping off unessential bits. Like giving away a basket of apples, one apple at a time. Each time, the basket gets a little lighter. After three weeks everyone will get bored listening to you. That is the time to sit down and write the deserter a letter but never send it. That way you can say anything you want to. Be like the old lady who, every time she went over a gap  left a bit of her tail [tale] in the trap. [needle and thread].
 

If someone says the world is coming to an end don’t believe him. Man may blow up the planet earth or become extinct but so what? There is a big universe out there. To quote my son Doug “Put a pizza on your head and pull the trigger.” In other words, don’t sweat it.
 

Life goes off at 45 degrees all the time. Today is no predictor of tomorrow. Nothing bad that you are worried about today will happen tomorrow. But something else will.
 

Hold everything with an open hand.
 

If you have empty wall space over your sofa leave it empty until you find the perfect thing. If you hang a temporary piece of junk it will hang there forever. This goes for people too. If you have friends who are not supportive dump them. Life is too short. It also goes for your closet. If it looks like it belongs in a thrift shop it is probably too awful even for them. Faded,  frayed, out of shape, doesn’t fit, doesn’t flatter, doesn’t make you feel good, get rid of it. Did I mention this goes for people too?
 

Before giving medical advice, first become a student of medical history.
 

Diets don’t work. Every day allow yourself one craving. Then just eat a little less the rest of the day. Get rid of the scales They only make you tense and miserable. Never do anything that makes you tense and miserable. The only things that are important are family and health. Preserve those at all costs.
 

If you could travel everywhere in the world you could find that one spot where you feel at home. The landscape, the people, the air, the food, the music, the architecture, and the culture. It might even be where you live now. But go find out.
 

Every book in the library was written by people who have something they want to say to you. Listen. You might learn something. Even if you read only ten pages.
 

If you are bored, do something for someone.
 

If you are a busy woman, give yourself permission, guilt free, to take time off.
 

Living to 100 sounds great but after 75 life is just one hellish thing after another. You slowly revert back to childhood: diapers, drooling and cutting the crusts off your toast.
 

Your facebook is your resume. Your nude photos may come back to haunt you. In later years you might discover you weren’t as sexy as you thought you were.
 

I don’t understand people who believe in nurture not nature. How can you look at your family and not see  both.
 

Greet your man with a smile and a hug. Never criticize him with a scowl on your face lest you look like that 5^th grade teacher he hated. Don’t ever make him hold your purse.
 

Men prefer movies about men killing men, actually or figuratively. It explains football. Woman prefer movies about relationships. He doesn’t like romantic comedies but he will go with you if it makes you happy. It is why men don’t like to talk about feelings and women   want to talk about feelings and relationships. It is why men don’t talk enough and women talk too much.
 

 

A man finds it hard to say “I love you.” But he will show it in what he does. Accept that and observe.
 

A man needs to know that for a woman, sex begins when you take out the garbage

 

If a woman is crying, hug her. If she is mad at you, hug her. If she is throwing things at you, duck and hug her. If she is sick, bring her a cup of tea.
 

Men need to feel like men. Women need to feel like women. Sabotage that and your goose is cooked.
 

 

-Jean Clarice Walsh 2013